Here is the story about my little holiday that I had away in the grand old American Sunshine. I went to Florida for two weeks a few days after my birthday and it was alright I suppose. Because I am dead shit at doing blogs I’ve written down a few key points that happened while I was away…

In the airport, I had my JuJu jelly sandals on, and I love them they are so comfy and look so cool and can go with anything, walking around the terminal…they fucking snap. And I knew this was gonna happen so I packed superglue. I sat down in Burger King and Superglued my shoe and put the leg of a chair on it and ate my burger. Then i put my shoe back on and went to walk. Snap.

The superglue didn’t superly glue my shoe (obviously because in my life nothing works). So I then had to use a bobble I had on my wrist, and put it a r o u n d my shoe. So now I was walking with like a weird flappy Jesus jandal on one foot. I then had t go and buy some shit flip floppy shoes (tbf to them, for £13 they aint too bad and I do still wear them to this day). I then binned my JuJu Jelly babies *sobs..frantically tries to find replacement pair online as I’ve just remembered about them*

So we got to the Airport in America, sorted out our rental car and all that jazz, we got to pick our own rental car so naturally we all went for one with a shit sized boot and that had the bhp of a dying mule. We got a Jeep. That shit couldn’t pull the skin off a rice pudding let me tell ya. So anyway my dad was bragging like “Ah yeah, I’ve got this family, I’ve looked at this map for about 5 hours, I don’t need it now, I know where I’m going”. Alright cool dad, lets set off. Mum’s shitting herself because she’s driving a shit jeep with no acceleration, 6 cases in the back so she can’t see whats behind her, and on the wrong side of the road. We come to the FIRST POSSIBLE JUNCTION. “Turn left”. “You sure dad? It does say Universal to the right?” “I am telling you I know where we are going, turn left” Well even Stevie Wonder would have got this one right. It was obviously the fucking other way to what my dad said, so he sent my mum panicking 3.5 miles down the road in the wrong direction, and after an 8 hour flight that is just not what you need. I’d just like to add, that my mother was driving 40 mph in a 60 zone because she was scared, meaning i took us like ages to get there anyway, despite going the wrong way. Nice 1 dad.

So we got into the hotel went to Universal City Walk and was buzzing like ah yeah this italian gaff looks mint let’s go in here. Lets get a starter were starving, lets order everything. Chef was fuming mate. We had our starter and was too full to eat anything else, it was actually embarrassing as fuck. My dad looked like he was about to die inside paying $120 for a meal that we only used about $80 for. Oh well.

So then we go on the rides. First ride, I’m scared. Not been on any on ages so I’m buzzing to get on one, I’m there near the front, gearing myself up. It breaks don’t it. Just my luck. So it was a hot day and I had my new bodysuit on with no bra because natirally I didn;t actually think that i needed one, well I did. I went on Rip Saw Falls, and I was soaked My top went see through and I had stiff nips for two hours. I’m surprised I didn’t get put on the register let me tell you that.

So the next day, me and my brother went to Bubba Gump Shrimp. And we got well pissed, like to the point where I nearly got a tattoo I was that drunk. Cant remember paying or leaving. I woke up in the morning was sick everywhere. Still went to Sea World though, bossed all the rides and that.

So then we went to Busch Gardens at one point in Tampa Bay, and on the way back was the biggest storm – it was that big i can’t even describe. We pulled over to go maccies, the lightning was so close it was scary you could see it on the ground. The rain was bouncing down hard, and we were all about to order our food when…the whole of maccies was actually struck by lightning. Swear to god. It went pitch black dark and all alarms went off and everyone just sort of stood there like “fuck do we do now?”. Anyway this guy (I reckon he was pissed me tbf) was swaggering round shouting “SO NOBODY GONNA WALK ME BACK TO MY TRUCK HUH? Y’ALL GONNA SIT IN HERE AND LET A MAN WALK TO HIS TRUCK ALONE HUH?” and everyone just stopped and turned around and I’m already thinking, fuck fuck he’s got a gun, everyone in america has guns, this is it this is how we die. Then he just left randomly. But THEN he came back, and said “50 BUCKS. 100 BUCKS TO WALK ME TO MY CAR?” then this other American man was like dude chill yenaaaa we are all scared, then they nearly had a fight. But in the end he left in his socks and sandals, and that was my experience of Tampa Bay.

The only other thing that I’ve written down is when we were waiting for the stunt show India Jones to finish, and me and my bother were stood outside. Both tired as fuck listening to the stunt show, there’s fire, screaming, vehicles, death all sorts, I’m scranning chicken nuggets, and I go, “So, what happens on the stunt show?” His reply, “He just does stunts and that, I dunno” And I’m in silence like, what the fuck you’ve seen this show once today and you don’t know what happens when it sounds mint? and he just replied “Well, I do know. Just too tired explain.”


Glad I missed that one then